2021-10-07 02:54:07 UTC
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Klaus Schadenfreude told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Schadenfreude, and his homosexual partner Michael "the gook" Ejercito,
had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, the gook shouted out
'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
but he wouldn't come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a
flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Schadenfreude's hair and
severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Schadenfreude suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Ejercito suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.